Cops: In Montmarte
by Spawkwing Diamond
Summary: Why you shouldn't watch Cops right after Moulin Rouge...I thought it was hysterical, but then again, I am insane : A NEW UPDATE! AFTER A 3 YEAR HIATUS! REJOICE!
1. Drunk Midgets and Pissed Poets

DISCLAIMER: I don't own anyone appearing in this story, except for the police officers...COPS and Moulin Rouge each belong to someone other than me...I got the idea for this story after taking out my Moulin Rouge DVD and noticing COPS was on...It's strange...but I thought it was funny :)  
  
*Scene opens up, showing various clips of Montmarte, while the Cops theme plays*  
  
HUH! BAD BOYS! BAD BOYS! WHATCHA GONNA DO? WHATCHA GONNA DO WHEN THEY COME FOR YOU!? *goes of into a bunch of Jamaican rap that I try to understand, but never can*  
  
*Cut to two cops driving in a car. One is Officer Gina Bina, and the other is Officer Sexy Boy (A/N: MIKEEE!). They are cruising along the streets of Montmarte with the poor camera man and allllll that equipment stuffed in the back*  
  
Officer Gina Bina (G.B.): I mean, I really love what I do. Protecting the innocent and...stuff..  
  
Officer Sexy Boy (S.B.): Well, I'm just in the gig because they let me play with guns.....  
  
Voice on the Radio: Unit 34, we have a report of drunk and disorderly outside the Hotel Blanche. Reports of a dwarf dressed as a nun causing havoc in the streets.  
  
Officer G.B.: *Shakes her head sadly* I've seen it all. *Punches the gas* LET'S ROLL!  
  
Officer S.B.: OOOH!! I WANNA HIT THE SIREN! *Goes to hit the siren*  
  
Officer G.B.: DON'T TOUCH ANY FUCKIN BUTTONS! I LIKE THE CAR A CERTAIN WAY!!! (A/N: I LOVE Suicide Kings)  
  
Officer S.B. *Pouts, then reaches over and hits the siren button anyway* BWAHAHAHAHA!  
  
*The car pulls up outside the Hotel. A midget is seen running around screaming at the top of his lungs about hills animating*  
  
Officer G.B.: Toulouse Latrec. Should have known. *Gets out of the car and with Officer S.B., approach the drunken dwarf*  
  
*Camera gets out of the car accompained by the pained growning of the Cameraman*  
  
Cameraman: Damn heavy equipment....  
  
*Camera pans to Officer G.B. and Officer S.B. talking to Toulouse*  
  
Officer G.B.: And who is flying around?  
  
Toulouse: The Gween Faiwy! She is my inspiwation! *Dances drunkenly around, then stops* What's that, Gween Faiwy? *laughs hysterically* I don't know...I think Awdwey was a....woman?  
  
*Officer G.B. looks at Officer S.B. and the two shrug their shoulders in unison. Toulouse pays them no mind, he is still in "Happy Land"*  
  
Officer G.B.: Alright, shorty, we got reports that you are being waaaaaaay too loud. We're gonna have to ask you to tone it down.  
  
*Toulouse stops dancing and glares at Officer G.B.*  
  
Toulouse: Shorty? I AM ONE OF THE CHWIDWEN OF THE WEVOLWUTION! *Grabs the bottle of empty Absinthe laying on the ground and charges at Officer G.B.*  
  
Officer G.B.: *Pulls her gun* STOP!  
  
Toulouse: STOP! *Stops and thinks, obviously hit with inspiration* IN THE NAME OF WOVEEEEE! BEFORE YOU BWEAK MY HEART! THINK IT O-O-OWVER!  
  
*Officer S.B. walks over to Toulouse, who is in the middle of a great song and dance number and picks him up. Toulouse stares at Officer S.B. lovingly*  
  
Toulouse: WOVE WIFT US UP WHERE WE BEWONG!!!  
  
*A voice comes from one of the garretts. It's Christian (who we will meet later...heehee)*  
  
Christian: BLOODY HELL, TOULOUSE! STOP STEALING MY SONGS!!!  
  
*Toulouse is being placed into a police car and just to piss Christian off continues to sing*  
  
Toulouse: *Throwing himself around Officer S.B.'s leg* DON'T! *sings softly* Weave me this wayyyyy. I can't surwive, without your sweet wove, oh baby, don't weave me this waaaaay....  
  
Christian: *Again from above* BLOODY CHRIST, YOU ELMER FUDD REJECT!  
  
*Officer S.B. pries Toulouse from his leg and puts him in the car. He then goes up to Officer G.B. who is wrapping up interviewing all the whores and pimps*  
  
Officer G.B.: I think he liked you, Mike.  
  
*Officer S.B. makes a rude hand gesture and walks toward the car. Officer G.B. laughs and follows him. They begin to pull away when suddenly...*  
  
Cameraman: STOPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!  
  
*The car stops and the cameraman climbs in. They continue to drive away when the radio comes to life again.*  
  
Voice on the Radio: Unit 34, we have a report down at the Moulin Rouge. While you are down in that area, go investigate. We have reports of a crossdresser being pursued by a giant rodent.  
  
Officer G.B.: It's gonna be a long night.  
  
*Camera fades to black for the first commercial when a loud voice pierces the darkness*  
  
Officer S.B.: I WANNA HIT THE SIREN!!!  
  
  
  
A/N: Well, guys, what do you think? Should I keep on, or quit while I'm ahead? Reviews are loved...they make me feel all toasty :)  
  
~*Sarah*~ 


	2. Fat Ugly Brides and Rat Bastard Grooms

DISCLAIMER: I don't own anyone appearing in this story, except for the police officers (Gina Bina and MY SEXY BOY MIKE!!)...COPS and Moulin Rouge, belong to someone other than me...I got this idea after taking out my Moulin Rouge DVD and noticing that COPS was on...It's strange, but I thought it was funny...ALSO THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE REVIEWS! I really need to finish ZAP! and Breathing Again...LoL...*procrastinator*  
  
*We come back from a commercial to find Officer G.B and Officer S.B. in the car, headed towards the Moulin Rouge*  
  
Officer G.B.: Now I know that the Moulin Rouge is only like two feet from the hotel, but I really don't feel like walking, you know?  
  
Officer S.B.*Looking out the window like a six year old on a sugar rush* LOOKIT THE WINDMILL!!!  
  
Officer G.B.: OK, we're here. *Gets out of the car and runs into the dance hall of the Moulin Rouge.*  
  
Officer S.B.: *Comes right in behind her. What he sees makes his mouth drop*  
  
*There is a really fat man dressed as a bride, running around, screaming hysterically as he is being chased by a man that looks like a giant mouse, muttering something about a "virgin"*  
  
Officer G.B. *pulls out her gun* FREEZE! M.R.P.D!!! (Moulin Rouge Police Department...LoL)  
  
*Fat Boy and Mouse Man stop from the middle of an embrace and stare at her. Mouse Man walks up to Officer G.B. wearing a look of what he hopes is sexuality, but in all honesty, he just looks constipated*  
  
Mouse Man: Dear Lady, allow me to introduce myself, my name is-  
  
*He is cut off as Gina kicks him right in the...ahem..."sensitive spot"*  
  
*Officer S.B., Fat Boy, and the Cameraman, all grimace and shield their "family jewels'*  
  
Fat Boy: OH LORD! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!?! THE DUKE HAS THE DEEDS! WE'RE ALL SCREWED, AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!! *charges Officer G.B.*  
  
*Officer G.B. pulls out a can of Pepper Spray and blasts Fat Boy in the face*  
  
Fat Boy: *Falling to the ground* I-I-I'M BLIND! BUT THE SHOW MUST GO ON! *Gets up and parades around the dance floor, occasionally crashing into a beam or a bannister*  
  
*Mouse Man still lies on the floor in agony, crying like a little bitch. He opens his mouth and sings*  
  
Mouse Man: It's a little bit funnnnayyyyyy, this feeling insiiiiiiiiide  
  
*The whole room gets silent as Officer G.B., Officer S.B., and the Cameraman stare at each other. Fat Boy on the other hand, has run into a pole and knocked himself unconcious*  
  
*Suddenly, a voice is heard from outside, piercing the silence*  
  
Christian: HOLY SHITE! I CAN'T GET A BLOODY BREAK CAN I?! FIRST THAT SHORT LITTLE "WISPING" BASTARD, AND NOW YOU, YOU UGLY ARSE RAT-LOOKIN' FAGGOT!!! CRIPES!  
  
Officer S.B. *stares blankly* Riiiiiiiiiiiiiight.....  
  
*Officer G.B. walks over to Fat Boy's figure on the ground and handcuffs him* Alright, tubby, you're coming downtown...*tries to pick him up, but fails. She strains and tries again, finally moving him an inch. She then begins to drag him outside and into the car, leaving Officer S.B. and the Cameraman with Mouse Man*  
  
Mouse Man: *bats his eyes at Officer S.B.* You know, I've got lots of money, and I'll give you a pretty necklace...*is cut off as Officer S.B. punches him in the eye*  
  
Cameraman: *snickers* Yeah, Officer, I'll bet you'd just look lovely in that white gown...  
  
*Cut to camera shot of Officer S.B. charging the camera. The camera violently shakes, then falls to the ground, going black. Moments later, the picture is clear again, of Officer S.B. walking ouside to the car, where Officer G.B. is walking funny*  
  
Officer S.B.: What's up, Gina?  
  
Officer G.B.: I think I pulled something loading that fat bastard into the car. *She then looks at Offier S.B.* Where's that rat guy?  
  
Officer S.B.: Um...in there? *Points back towards the Moulin Rouge*  
  
Officer G.B.: WELL GO GET HIM! JEEZ!  
  
*Officer S.B. runs off and Officer G.B. looks at the camera*  
  
Officer G.B.: You know, I don't even know why I put up with him, I mean, the only reason he even got into this damn job is that equal employment oppurtunity bullshit...I mean, shit, Officer Doofy is more organized than him...*shuts up as Officer S.B. comes out with Mouse Man, throwing him into the backseat with Fat Boy*  
  
Mouse Man* Looking at Fat Boy with love (or lust?) in his eyes* How wonderful like is....now you're in the world.....  
  
*Camera fades to black for second commercial, when....*  
  
Christian: ARGHHHHHHHHHHH!  
  
  
  
*A/N...well, thanks for all the reviews...I appreciate them... :) Hope you guys enjoyed this part as much as the second part...*walks away brainstorming for a third part* 


	3. Sleepy Jumpers

Disclaimer: Guess who's back?? Back again?? Wow. It's been almost over a year since I've done any updates or anything. Sorry about all that. My newly accquired husband and I have moved into a new place, with a new computer, and frankly, I was too lazy to even try to finish up anything. Well, now I'm off my lazy butt and ready to write. "Moulin Rouge" and "COPS" do not belong to me, they both belong to Fox. I only own Officer Gina Bina, and Officer Sexy Boy. Well, after a one year delay, here is chapter three to "Cops: In Montmarte". Black Tangled Heart, this one's for you! :)  
  
*After dropping off Mouse Man and Fat Boy at the jail, Officer G.B. and Officer S.B. are at Dunkin Donuts, grabbing a quick bite to eat.*  
  
Officer G.B.: Now I know that everyone is gonna laugh at us eating at Dunkin' Donuts, but it was the only place that was open at this time of night.  
  
Officer S.B.: That, and "Auntie Poulet's Chicken Brains and Such", so we figured donuts all the way. Plus, not only does this place serve donuts, but it also has a Baskin Robbins inside so we can eat ice cream too.  
  
Voice on the Radio: Unit 34, we got a situation at the Hotel Blanche. We got a jumper. Get there ASAP.  
  
Officer G.B. *muttering*: Jesus, we oughta just let the guy jump. I can't sit here and drop everything just to save some low-life strung out on Absinthe...*notices the camera is on her* Uh...I mean, C'Mon, Mike, we have a life to save!  
  
*Chaos is the theme outside the Hotel Blanche. Officer G.B. and Officer S.B. pull up and survey the scene. Toulouse is still running around, singing and dancing like a madman. Numerous whores and pimps are looking at the roof, wondering if the jumper will jump or not. One man is collecting bets on whether the jumper will jump or not*  
  
Officer G.B.: Well, I guess someone should go up there and talk him out of....MIKE! *The camera pans over to see Mike standing by the man collecting bets*  
  
Officer S.B.: I'll bet my whole paycheck that we're gonna see a Bohemian pancake before the night is over...OW! *He's interrupted from his bet, as Officer G.B. puts him in the chokehold with her nightstick and drags him away.  
  
Officer G.B.: Just for that, you dumbass, you're going up there to talk him out of it.  
  
*Officer S.B. grudingly climbs the stairs up to the top floor. As he passes one of the doors, he hears frantic banging on a typewriter, and a voice*  
  
Christian: "Deliver a bloody play", he says. "We need someone of your expierence". I'll show that pisser what I think of him and his sodding PLAYS! *We then hear the typewriter slam into the wall at high speed*  
  
*Officer S.B. stares at the door for a moment, then raises one eyebrow*  
  
Officer S.B.: Riiiiiiiiiiiiight *He then continues up the stairs*  
  
*As he makes it to the top of the roof, the camera shakes, and you can hear the cameraman grunting*  
  
Cameraman: Kinda hard to get footing up here...  
  
*The camera then steadies and focuses on our jumper. He is a handsome man, with an exotic look about him. You can tell he wasn't born around here. Officer S.B. recognizes him as the Narcoleptic Argentinian*  
  
Officer S.B.: C'mon, buddy, you don't wanna do this.  
  
Narcoleptic Argentinian: YES I DO! Do you know what it's like to have people mock you? To call you "Sleepy Boy" all the time, or some other ridiculous name?  
  
Officer S.B.: Well, maybe if you told us your real name, we could call you that instead of "Sleepy Boy".  
  
Narcoleptic Argentinian: I can't....  
  
Officer S.B.: Yeah, you can, come on, buddy.  
  
Narcoleptic Argentinian: My name is....*He pauses. Everyone gasps, thinking he's gonna go to bed, and plummet to his death. To everyone's relief, he's still awake* My name...is....is...LESLIE!  
  
*Everyone below, including Officer S.B. snickers*  
  
Leslie: SEE? This is why I must end it all! *Gets in the position to jump*  
  
Officer S.B.: NO! You don't have to do that. We weren't laughing at you, we were laughing...uh...Ok, we were laughing at you. But everyone is laughed at one point in there lives. That's what makes us all alike. But you don't see everyone else in the world up here on the building with you?? Even though you get laughed at, you still have the love of friends and family, and that's all that matters, so come on down.  
  
Leslie: So, you're saying, all I need is love?  
  
Officer S.B. Exactly!  
  
Leslie: *singing* ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE!  
  
*Suddenly, a scream comes from Christian's garrett*   
  
Christian: I SWEAR TO BLOODY CHRIST, I'LL KILL YOU! YOU'RE RIGHT WITHIN MY REACH!! ALL I HAVE TO DO IS COME OUTISDE OF THIS WINDOW AND AHHHHHHHHH!  
  
*A thud comes from Christian's room. Apparently, he has tripped over an Absinthe bottle and hurt his noggin*  
  
Officer S.B.: *Walks up to Leslie and takes his arm* C'mon, buddy, let's go get something to drink.  
  
*As Officer S.B. and Leslie turn around, they accidently bump the cameraman*  
  
Cameraman: HOLY SHIT!  
  
*The camera begins to shake as the cameraman tries to regain his footing. We then see the ground rushing towards us. Apparently, the cameraman has lost his footing and is plummeting towards the ground. As the ground impacts with the camera, it goes to black. Before we go to a commerical, we hear Officer G.B.  
  
Officer G.B.: Medic!!  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Well, what did you guys think of my not-so-triumphant return??? R/R and let me know please!!!!!!!! 


	4. There's about to be a what? GIRLFIGHT!

DISCLAIMER: Moulin Rouge, COPS, and their characters do not belong to me...if they did, my life would be a lot more entertaining...but, no...

Author's Note: Yes...tis I. After three years of absence I have returned. (What can I say? After having a child, and starting college, I haven't had much time for anything. Ha.) Run for the hills...because, here it is...PART THREE OF COPS: IN MONTMARTE!!! **_Warning: Contains the "F" word_**

COPS: IN MONTMARTE: CHAPTER 3

((Coming back from a commercial, we see the cameraman being loaded into an ambulance. Officer S.B. and Officer G.B. are arguing.))

Officer S.B.: All I'm saying is, it was funny. All it needed was one of those "bomb-falling" sound effects and it would have been like watching Wile E. Coyote fall off of the cliff when he was chasing that pesky roadrunner... ((continues going on and on about how smart the roadrunner was.))

Officer G.B.: ((rolls her eyes))...I could have gone to medical school, but noooo! I wanted to be a police officer. ((glares at Officer S.B.))

Officer S.B. ...and what is Acme anyways? All their stuff is faulty if you ask...((is hit in the head with a nightstick)) OW!!! ((rubs his head and glares at Officer G.B.)) THAT HURT!

((Officer G.B. rolls her eyes again and walks to the patrol car. She reaches for the shotgun.))

Officer G.B.: I swear, I'm just gonna end it now...no court in their right mind will convict me...

((Suddenly, the voice on the radio cackles to life.))

Voice on the Radio: Attention all units, please respond. We've got a situation over here...

((Officer G.B. picks up the radio))

Officer G.B.: Lemme guess, a situation at the Moulin Rouge??

Voice on the Radio: ((in a haughty tone)) _No_, a situation at the elephant. Two women, fighting.

Officer G.B.: The elephant is at the Moulin Rouge.

Voice on the Radio: Yes, but technically, the situation is not _at _the Moulin Rouge, it's at the elephant, so there...((blows raspberries))

Officer G.B.: ((in a homicidal tone)) **_10-4 _**((hangs up the radio and gets out of the car.)) MIKE!!!

((Officer S.B. is next to the new cameraman, watching replays of the old cameraman's fall, adding his own "bomb-falling" sound effects and laughing hysterically))

Officer G.B.: ((pulls the shotgun out and fires once in the air)) MIKE!!!

((Officer S.B. turns to look at Officer G.B.))

Officer G.B.: ((through clenched teeth)) _Get...in...the...car...NOW!_

((Officer S.B. hops in the car and gives Officer G.B. an innocent look))

Officer S.B.: ((in a meek tone)) Can I hit the siren?

((The new cameraman climbs into the car, and stops at what he sees. Officer G.B. has Officer S.B. by his neck and is slamming him into the dashboard))

Cameraman: Oh, this is good...((starts taping the melee, until Officer G.B. turns to him with a look that could melt stone and charges him. All we see is the camera shaking and various curses and shouts. A moment later the camera steadies and we see Officer G.B. smoothing her hair and starting up the car))

((Two seconds later, we arrive at the elephant and see two women going at it like Crips and Bloods...or something))

Officer S.B.: ((exiting the car in a hurry)) YEAH!! RIP HER TOP OFF!!!

((The two women, stop and look at Officer S.B., then continue their ass-whooping))

Officer G.B.: ((exiting the car and looking at the camera)) Satine and Nini...why am I not surprised? ((She then runs over to the two women, and jumps in the middle of them, trying to break up the fight))

Officer S.B.: ((is frozen in place with a look of absolute ecstasy on his face)): YEAH!!! THERE IS A GOD! ((turns to the cameraman)) Do you know where we can get some jell-o?

((Finally, Officer G.B. has managed to get the two women separated))

Officer G.B.: Mike, I could do with some help here...((Officer S.B. doesn't respond, he is now lost in "Catfight Fantasy World")) MIKE!

((Officer S.B. finally snaps out of it, and runs over to the three women, grabbing Nini and putting her in handcuffs.))

Nini: ((purring)) Now, _this _is my idea of a party...

((We can actually see the hamster running in the wheel of Officer S.B.'s head))

Officer G.B.: ((rolling her eyes at Officer S.B., and sighing)) Now, ladies, wanna tell me what this is all about???

Satine: It's her fault! ((pointing to Nini)) I was just in my room, and she bursts in, and starts babbling on and on about how she should be the diamond! I am the diamond! I will always be the diamond! See these?! ((rips down her top, exposing her baby-feeders to the world)) **_THESE _**are how a diamond's should look! ((Covers herself back up, much to the dismay of Officer S.B., who is like a 14 year old boy in puberty again)) Not saggy and small like someone else's...((stares pointedly at Nini))

((Nina lets out a cry of fury and tries to charge at Satine. Officer G.B. handcuffs Satine and looks at her chest, sighing enviously))

Officer G.B.: Alright! That's enough! I don't want to hear, or see, anymore! ((Officer S.B. lets out a groan of disappointment)) I don't give a damn who the diamond is or who wants to be the diamond! I want to be Brad Pitt's underwear, but am I? NO! And do I run around, burning his underwear, out of resentment? NO! ((turns to Nini)) So, have a Coke, a smile, and SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!

((Satine, Nini, and Officer S.B. stand shocked at the outburst.))

Officer S.B.: Ya know, Gina, you're hot when you're mad...

((Officer G.B. throws Satine to the ground and charges Officer S.B. Officer S.B. tries shoving Nini at Officer G.B., but to no avail))

Officer G.B. AHHHHHH! ((picks up Nini, throws her out of the way, jumps onto Officer S.B. and begins beating him mercilessly))

((We hear an infuriated voice from the Hotel.))

Christian: GAAAAAAH!!! I CAN'T DO ANYTHING AROUND HERE, CAN I?? ALL THIS NOISE!! WHY DON'T YOU TWO JUST TAKE YOUR TENSIONS TO A HOTEL ROOM, HUH???

((Officer G.B. stops hitting Officer S.B. and glares in the direction of the hotel))

Officer G.B.: That's it...I'm going to kill him!!!

Officer S.B.: ((Standing up and dusting himself off)) So, I guess this means no hotel, huh?? ((Is hit in the head with the nightstick)) OW!!! ((rubs his head and follows Officer G.B., who is running towards the hotel at full speed))

Cameraman: I wonder if the guys at "Dog, The Bounty Hunter" have to put up with this? ((follows the two policemen))

A/N: So there you have it! My second not-so-triumphant return...I'm a little rusty after 3 years, but, please please please review and let me know how you liked it...no flamers, though...PLEASE!!!


End file.
